The Code.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word
"typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind he already wrote the letter by hand

My trip to the Patent office.

Now retired and with considerable time on my hands, I thought I'd try my hand at inventing and toddled off to Patent Office with some designs I thought were pretty damned clever.

I opened with, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle." The clerk asks, "what do you call it?" "A fottle." I replied "That's a silly name, can you think of something else?" So, I says, "I'll think about it but I've got something else here ... a folding carton." The clerk says, "OK, what's it called?" "A farton." I replied back The clerk says, "That's rude, you can't possibly use that name"

Beginning to feel more than a little downcast, I said, "Something tells me that you're not going to be too impressed with my folding bucket."

EDIT: I've renamed this thread! Hope you guys contribute to it! Hopefully we will be able to stop by here and get a laugh or two on the way!

... j/k I like the second joke.

A bloke (john)is lying in bed, spanking his monkey. He finishes and looks up and sees a window cleaner smiling at him.

He sorts himeslf out and speaks to the window cleaner "how much did you see???"

the window cleaner replies "I saw everything mate" john then says to him" Ok, so how much to keep you quiet then???"

The window cleaner replies "Well 50 quid and the windows will cost you 50 quid aswell"

Ok says john and hands over the money.

The next day one of the johns mates comes over and knocks at the door. As he opens the door his mate comments on how clean the windows are.

"How much did they cost to be cleaned then??" he asks

John replies 100quid

"Blimey" says the bloke "he saw you coming....."

Okay guys, this is getting a bit close to that "line" where we delete posts.

Yeah guys keep it a little clean for the youngins' out there!! Here's one more from me.

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

I'm renaming this thread!...

Hear a joke

You just got mooned

Sorry Pulse, no harm intended

The best part about Dew's joke was that he had to reply to explain just what it was we didn't see.

The best jokes are the ones you don't understand.... or something...

Im on my ant's computher at her house and the pic is not showing up. Well I think it wold work now but it not working.

The pic is on my yahoo profile http://profiles.yahoo.com/briandew1

Ok DJ pulse you see the pic useing the link on this post let see you make the pic show up on this thread

Dew ... sure mate, no problems...



Wow Dew, that looks like a self-portrait! YOU ROCK

Man this whole thread is a JOKE

Okay, so a pirate walks into a doctor's office with a steering wheel hanging from his penis.

The doctor looks at the pirate in disbelief and asks the pirate "Is that a steering wheel on your penis?"

The pirate replies "Arrr, it's driving me nuts."

And hear a pic of DJ Pulse

Pulse that was great man!!!

Come on you guys don't let the thread turn in to the Joke!!!!

HUH???

Ah... DJ Dew, the Photoshop master that he is, proves to us that I am actually a talking, DJing donkey.

And for those who were wondering, yeah, that was me in Shrek, they just dubbed over my voice with Eddie Murphy's.

Wanna know a secret tho? That picture above isn't actually Dew, but a fan of his... Dew and I got to work together on Shrek actually. I'm sorry that I don't have a picture ... it was quite funny to see such a short funny-looking man getting out of that Shrek costume.

Man, Pulse you da man!!! I loved you in that movie!! So, what ever hapenned with you and that Dragon Chick?? Although your role in Rat Race was VERY limited you still managed to get a laugh out of us!!

Anyway.... Here's a joke!

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated.

One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

LITTLE RICKY ON PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Ricky. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Ricky says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? "The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, " Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. To which Little Ricky replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

LITTLE RICKY ON... MATH:

Little Ricky returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6,'" replies Ricky "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the ####ing difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!"

LITTLE RICKY ON ENGLISH:

Little Ricky goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Ricky says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, " Wow, little Ricky , that's a mouthful." Little Ricky says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE RICKY ON... GRAMMAR:

Little Ricky was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Ricky, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go. Little Ricky, thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE RICKY ON... GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher reluctantly called on little Ricky. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just ####ing beautiful!"

LITTLE RICKY ON... GETTING OLDER

Little Ricky was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Ricky replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Ricky answered, "No, he minded his own ####ing business!!"

Happy 4th!